6 Things You Need to Know Before Becoming a Dad

Taking the step to become a dad for the first time is tremendous — it means you not only love someone enough to be totally connected with them for the rest of your lives but that you’re ready to care for a little being together (whether in a relationship or not). It’s said that when you have a child it’s like sharing your heart with the world, having it exist outside yourself, and tending to this vulnerable part of you with someone you hold close — and it’s true. But before you leap into the world of parenting with fantasies about what it’s going to be like and thinking all you need is the baby gear on a baby registry, there are a few other things you need to know as a dad so you can be better prepared for this amazing step in your life.

Save this page, share this post, read it over … then read it again. In this article you’re learning insider dad tips you won’t find on social media and likely won’t hear from friends and family either. Spend time reading through it carefully and comment about what stood out the most.

6 Things You Need to Know Before Becoming a Dad

1. Your Sex Life Changes and That’s OK

More couples struggle with the dynamics of their sex life after becoming parents than you know. Don’t worry, you can still have a good time as a couple after having kids, but there is now another layer to your relationship that naturally impacts your connection as two people, so it’s important to inform yourself ahead of time in order to create realistic expectations.

A deeper understanding means deeper empathy which truly makes an impact on the postpartum period for both parents. Not only does a new mom need to wait 6 weeks or longer before engaging in intercourse/penetrative sex due to the healing her body is working hard to do, but she may also be too tired for other types of sexual activities. After all, she has a dinner plate sized hole in her body, has created and released a brand new person and organ (the placenta), is now navigating her milk supply, everything hurts, she is always hungry, and she is figuring out how to remember she always has a baby with her when she moves around. She’s realizing the fourth trimester is very real and that the baby is glued to her (or you) which many new mothers are simply not prepared for.

It is a level of codependence that is emotionally and physically exhausting for some (though totally amazing). A disconnected new dad may wonder why his wife is being “frigid” and think “well her mouth still works” (ew) while the mom simply feels touched out and helpless. If you push sex too soon it can physically and emotionally impact your relationship later on either because her pelvic floor now has some dysfunction due to not getting proper time to heal or she resents being made to feel like she had to do things for you when she was needing more healing support instead.

Some new mothers have a higher sex drive and don’t want to wait the full 6 weeks before having penetrative sex again after birth — this is where you would suggest other types of sexy time for her own pelvic health and that she get cleared by her OB before engaging in penetrative sex again. The fluctuation of hormones in the first few months of postpartum (or year if breastfeeding) may also impact a mom’s libido which is something to be aware of. It’s extremely difficult to navigate a sense of self after having a baby (even years later), so figuring out when mommy ends and sex kitten starts isn’t easy. Without some time to themselves, your partner can’t get out of mommy mode — which means she’s thinking about sore nipples, the next feeding, the poop on her shirt, and someday getting some sleep . . . not sex.

Make sure she has time to shower alone without a baby crying (even though she may still hear phantom cries), time to drink a morning tonic or tea in peace (keep the cell phone far away to protect the peace), and learn to incorporate loving touches throughout the day with some added foreplay just before sexy time to get her in the mood. New moms need a bit more time to rev that engine… but also be prepared for more quickies between appointments or before baby wakes from nap time/for a feed, and closeness.

2. Vacations Will Never Be The Same

When you become a new parent there isn’t normally enough money or time for a vacation. That or the destinations you’d like to go to aren’t appropriate for your baby until they get a lot older. Though kids under 3 are free at Disneyland, it isn’t always fun taking turns on the rides and going them alone. Vacations get a bit more expensive, include a lot more people (extended family is a must if you want alone time), and simply aren’t the same for years to come. Unless you’re an avid adventure traveler and are able to bring baby backpacking with you and make adjustments for naps and feeding, you may find that visiting the local animal rescue or the pet store (what my family calls the free aquarium) is a better fit for a little while (and that’s OK) .

You’ll also need to consider your baby’s care needs and development — newborns need to be held close those first 40 days and a lot of tummy time for development with limited time in a “container” (this includes a car seat). Your partner will also need ample time to rest and heal since the first 40 days after birth is said to set the stage for their health for the next 40 years. It takes time to get the hang of being a dad to a new person and a partner to the other new parent too.

Give yourself time and don’t make big commitments or travel plans for after baby is born while you’re still expecting. If friends are getting married out of state or even several hours away from where you are (I see this come up a lot in forums) prepare them ahead of time with the information that you may not be able to attend — especially if they expect you to leave baby at home.

3. Your Involvement Isn’t Optional

Fathers used to be educated to be distant and we all know how wrong that is. Studies show that fathers impact children’s social, emotional and cognitive development. An involved dad is not optional, it’s a must. You matter to your baby/child.

Naturally, if a dad isn’t emotionally and physically supportive of mom and baby it impacts his relationships. It doesn’t matter if you have a newborn or a fifth grader— how you support the other parent and your child, how you speak to them, and the love that is shown will affect how your partner/spouse emotionally (and thus physically) feels about you. This is a newer dynamic to the sexual relationship that people don’t talk nearly enough about. If you dropped the ball on your share of diaper changes or school drop offs and homework help and more of the parenting load falls on your spouse they will feel tired and resentful, not loving and geared up for sex or connected as a life partner (no matter who works outside the home, at home or is a full-time parent).

If you’re a caring dad it will make the relationship with your spouse a lot stronger. There are more and more stay-at-home dads too. If your family decides that’s the best option, keep in mind that means doing what society would expect of a stay-at-home mom, too. Some great book recommendations on our Amazon Storefront Book List can help prepare your relationship for this shift before baby arrives, and I also offer more information in my virtual postpartum planning consultations.

There will be more hurdles for you as you try to be a supportive parent —be one anyway! Everyone needs encouragement and that includes your partner and it includes you. Check out the article Men Do Babywear: 6 Dads Share Their Journey, it was one of my most-read articles for years and I think important to break the stigma that dads are less involved or nurturing than moms. Also, if you can’t bottle feed your baby because mom breastfeeds at body, babywear, change diapers, help with supported tummy time, sing to your baby!

Take parental leave to adjust to your new role as a parent and as a partner. Bond with your baby and work through the feelings that may have crept up unexpectedly. There is a lot to learn about car seats and hunger cues and tummy time and diapers and your baby in general… give it the time it deserves. Take some early mornings off your partner’s plate and make the most of your day with your little. Take turns with the other parent to get a nap in, or hire a postpartum doula to help. You can also experience parental anxiety and depression — just like a new mom — so please keep that in mind and take care of yourself. Reach out for help if you feel different from yourself or more distant— Postpartum Support International offers an online support group for dads.

4. Becoming a Parent Instantly Ages You

OK so not all parents instantly get a bit wiser and feel older, there are still the select few who go out clubbing a week after giving birth and leave the baby with the grandparents. Yea . . . but I’d like to think that the majority of parents are sticking with their newborn or toddler most of the time, which means no matter how much you’d like to stay up for that 10 p.m. program it’s likely you’ll already be passed out when it airs. Kids are tiring. There’s nothing like being a parent, but man it is tiring.

For myself (and several parents I’ve spoken to) there was also a change in life perspective after becoming a parent. I stopped drinking soda and binge eating processed candy (I have weak moments, and I’m not sugar-free or anything, but I try) then became aware of things like eco-friendly nursery alternatives, GMOs and radiation from digital devices. How I viewed my relationships with people and responded to situations changed, too. The changes in your life after becoming a parent really vary by the person and this isn’t a negative thing at all — it’s a necessity and shows you’re growing to be the person your child needs to shape who they become in life.

5. Favorites Come And Go In Phases

It’s fantastic to be excited about becoming a parent and having a little one to show the world to and bond over whatever with, but be aware that there are two parents. Add your partner to your fantasy about your soon-to-be BFF because both boys and girls go through phases where they are all about mommy or all about daddy for an extended period of time (it could be a month or years) then all of a sudden change their mind. Remember that your time will come and that when your child changes their favorite it’s going to be super sad for the parent who used to feel like they were the closest to the child.

Avoid any competition with your partner about who is the favorite by agreeing to include one another no matter who the child says is their favorite at that time. Be aware that this changes, and that as your child gets into the toddler years, they’ll test boundaries by asking one parent something and then asking the other the same question if they know that parent will give the answer they want (this is a learning age for the teen years). Make sure you have a united front and don’t compete with your partner. Your kiddo loves you both.

6. Prepare For The Unexpected

Though just six tips don’t really cover everything, the last part of this list is pretty important. As you journey into parenthood, understand that nothing ever goes as planned and you should expect the unexpected. Sometimes moms experience severe depression after giving birth and it could take years before she feels like herself again. Giving birth can affect a mom’s sex drive, body, emotions — everything — but it changes a lot for dads, too. Birth plans are so great to have, but they usually get thrown out the window when it’s finally time to give birth because of one thing or another that happens. Roll with it, be supportive of one another, and know that even if you both wanted a natural birth it’s OK if it isn’t as long as you deliver the baby safely and get to hold her in your arms.

There’s no being prepared for the unthinkable — a miscarriage, stillbirth, or death of mom while giving birth — but these are also realities that arise once you’ve decided to take the leap into parenthood. The one thing you can be prepared for in this journey of the unexpected is to be an emotional support for your partner, and them for you. Talk about possible outcomes and situations that may arise with getting pregnant and becoming parents. It’s a tough discussion, and the unknown is pretty scary, but you’ll be glad it was addressed ahead of time if something ever comes up. And understand that everything you talked about before having the baby may change once you bring the baby home! Check-in with each other again, and make a weekly meeting of it.

This post was originally published 4/28/15 and has been updated. All contents of this post are for informational purposes and are not medical advice.